I feel like there is a city inside of me, bustling with activity.

That city is my working knowledge of everything that’s led my life to here.

I say that to underscore how complex and interwoven everything is.

The thing on my mind right now is friends. I’ve lost some, kept some, and gained some.

But I’m not happy with where my friend life is at right now. It’s like jumping off the stage to crowd surf at a packed concert and face planting on the floor. Repeatedly.

Or that’s what it feels like, anyway.

Why don’t more people want to talk to me? Why do the people I thought were close friends suddenly let go?

Is it something with me? Am I doing something wrong, and just need to figure out the correct approach for people to actively stick around? Or have I been unlucky? Do I need to try something new? If so, what?

I know Dad has an active friend group, and apparently it took him years to cultivate. Grandpa, too. I want something like that. People who I see frequently, who want to see me frequently.

Do I slowly push everyone away?

I get so lonely sometimes.